Pissed

My job is unconventional.  Each day there are a fixed number of jobs that start at various times throughout the day (3 shifts).  Who gets each job is seniority based, so we have a "daily preference" form that they use to determine who to place where.

If someone with higher seniority gets a job that is higher up on your preference list and then lays off, they call you for a "ripple."  Basically, they give you the opportunity to work the job if it comes available.

Well, with my schedule at school, the time they choose to call happens to be when I am in class.  So, I called this morning and left a message with the caller to let her know that I would not be available when she called, but that I would like to accept the ripple if it becomes available.

Sure enough, the phone begins vibrating during class... a sure sign that she either 1) did not get my message, or 2) completed ignored it.  After class I called to see what she had done, and in a very snotty tone, she said "Yes, I got your message.  That's not how it works.  I call YOU, and if you don't answer, that's too bad.  I have to TALK to you. Click."

With the weather right now, the difference in the job that I will work and the job I COULD have worked today is about 7hrs outside in the snow.  I have to keep telling myself that this is exactly the reason why I'm back in school... I can't take 30 more years of this kind of arrogance/ignorance.

Of course, it's hard to speak to yourself when all you can think about is beating the living shit out of the person. 

Serenity now....

If you knew you would fail...

I posted a response just now to ADoc2Be's blog posting, and decided that it was worthy of posting in it's own right. 

Many of us non-trads are burdened (sometimes overly so) by the pressures, fears, and concerns of life as an adult confronting major sacrifices to follow a dream.  Mine is to become a doctor, but that particular goal does not have the corner on all of the above.

So, if you are like us, and you find yourself wondering if you have the mettle to make your dream a reality, I say to you....


You know you will regret giving up (or giving in, out, etc.).

If you knew for sure you would fail in the end, would you give up the journey?

I woke up this morning to my oldest daughter (3) crying in her room with nightmares.  My wife (pregnant with #3) hasn't gotten a full night's sleep in 3 years.  No exaggeration.  I crawled into bed with her to calm her down.

At 6am I kissed her and told her I had to get ready for work.  It had snowed and additional 4 inches overnight, and was -4 as I swept snow from the car windows and started the engine.

By 7am this fine Sunday morning I was dressed head-to-toe in snow boots, heavy-duty coveralls, gloves, thinsulate mask, safety vest and a radio as I trudged through 3ft snow drifts to begin my day in the railroad yard.

In the few breaks I took to do jumping jacks (to get blood flowing back to my frozen fingers and toes) I thought about what I was doing to myself to "possibly" become a doctor.  I say possibly, because nothing is guaranteed.

Between full-time work and school I hardly see my wife (who really should be complaining much more than she does) and kids, I have to decide which bills I can pay each month and which ones get to call my wife endlessly for payments while I'm away, and I wonder "What the HELL are you doing?!?"

All for a chance... just a CHANCE that I could fulfill a dream.  A chance to really provide the life that my family deserves, a chance to really make a dent in the universe by helping others, and a chance to be an example to my kids that hard work and sacrifice are virtuous.

I could lead a decent life without MD at the end of my name. It would be much less stressful to quit school, get out of the railroad yard and work on the long-haul trains (in the comfort of the locomotive cab), and be the cool dad at career day who gets to drive trains all day.

But, I'm not ordinary.  I want to make a difference in the world - to be a pioneer, not a settler.  I want to cure cancer.  (That's not a typo, I really think I can.)

However, that dream is at the end of a very long and unforgiving road.  It doesn't care that I'm human, if I struggle or if I fail.  It only demands perseverance and bit of insanity.

If I knew now that I would fail... I would choose to fail in spectacular form, and know that I gave it my best shot.

Don't quit.

New Semester... and some new goals

So, if taking on this dream of mine isn't enough, I have decided to (again) tackle weight loss.  Actually, I should say fat loss... there's a difference.

Anyway, I bought the P90X program shortly after my first 12 week personal challenge (Jan-April... lost 35lbs) and was happy with it, but I got lazy and complacent.  Now that I've regained 25lbs, I'm ready to get back in the game.

It's actually nice to know I can lose 35 pounds in a healthy way in 3-4 months, and 8-9 months to gain 25.  The numbers are in my favor.

School is going well so far, I'm taking three science classes this semester.  Chemistry remains about the same, but Genetics and Zoology are X-factors.  I feel like I understand the material presented in lecture, but the book is not utilized AT ALL in either class, so it's difficult to determine what to study or concentrate on in preparation for the exams.

All of the first exams will be after the Christmas break 2 weeks from now.  I don't understand the logic in scheduling exams AFTER a break.  All I can do is keep my eye on the prize, and keep my head in the game.  I studied Genetics tonight, and I'll concentrate on Zo tomorrow.

I'm a quarter of the way through the semester already... it's seems to blow by.  Well, that's all this time.  Happy holidays!!

FYI - Starting out at 229lbs as of today.

Fall 2009... bites the dust!

I am happy to report that my first semester back in school is done!  Here is the reflection of three months of hard work:

Chemistry I:   A+, 105.5%
Sociology:   A+, 98.95%
Eng Comp I:   A+, 99%

This is a huge accomplishment, if only for my mental well-being.  I can do it.  I've proved it.  Now, it's time to step it up, start anew, and make every day count.

Winter 2009 Schedule:

Chemistry II
Human Genetics
Zoology
Eng Comp II

I'll be back to post my progress.

Screen Name Change

I decided to change my screen name because it was very similar to some others on blogs that I interact with regularly.

So, DocToBe is now Mr. C!

One down, six to go

Well, my first semester back will officially end on Nov 19th.  Unless I get seriously sick or die, I will end my first semester with and A+ in each Comp I, Chem I, and Sociology.  Since 8hrs is full-time status at my school, I will also be eligible for the Dean's list.

I am very excited.  I have worked hard this semester and it shows.  I am looking forward to Winter term: Zoology, Human Genetics, Chem II, and Comp II.  I'm stepping it up a notch here, so I will have to be extra focused and really work at managing my time.

However, I am looking forward to the challenge, and I expect to be gloating again with good news in March.  I now have one semester down, and only six remain until I graduate (hopefully May 2011).

Bring it!

To my kids:

First, and last, I love you.

I hope that you will read this journal someday, and know that all of the sacrifices your mother and I have made, from this day until then, were for you.  I hope that you will see and understand my passion for helping others, and that I could never have lived my dream without the inspiration I derive from you.

I hope I will have raised you to see the good in and expect the best from others.  I hope you will consider the less fortunate, and strive to do extraordinary things for ordinary people.  Give.  Be thankful.  Tell the truth.

Never underestimate the value of your mother to me or to you.  She is more worthy of your respect and love than I could ever describe.  I pray that you will all be fortunate enough to find someone who will love you so completely, and with unwavering support.

Have faith.  Dream as big as you can, and let no one bring you down.  Enjoy nature.  Love and support each other no matter what.  Forgive.  Be silly; in public and private.

Call and visit often.  I love you.