Pissed

My job is unconventional.  Each day there are a fixed number of jobs that start at various times throughout the day (3 shifts).  Who gets each job is seniority based, so we have a "daily preference" form that they use to determine who to place where.

If someone with higher seniority gets a job that is higher up on your preference list and then lays off, they call you for a "ripple."  Basically, they give you the opportunity to work the job if it comes available.

Well, with my schedule at school, the time they choose to call happens to be when I am in class.  So, I called this morning and left a message with the caller to let her know that I would not be available when she called, but that I would like to accept the ripple if it becomes available.

Sure enough, the phone begins vibrating during class... a sure sign that she either 1) did not get my message, or 2) completed ignored it.  After class I called to see what she had done, and in a very snotty tone, she said "Yes, I got your message.  That's not how it works.  I call YOU, and if you don't answer, that's too bad.  I have to TALK to you. Click."

With the weather right now, the difference in the job that I will work and the job I COULD have worked today is about 7hrs outside in the snow.  I have to keep telling myself that this is exactly the reason why I'm back in school... I can't take 30 more years of this kind of arrogance/ignorance.

Of course, it's hard to speak to yourself when all you can think about is beating the living shit out of the person. 

Serenity now....

If you knew you would fail...

I posted a response just now to ADoc2Be's blog posting, and decided that it was worthy of posting in it's own right. 

Many of us non-trads are burdened (sometimes overly so) by the pressures, fears, and concerns of life as an adult confronting major sacrifices to follow a dream.  Mine is to become a doctor, but that particular goal does not have the corner on all of the above.

So, if you are like us, and you find yourself wondering if you have the mettle to make your dream a reality, I say to you....


You know you will regret giving up (or giving in, out, etc.).

If you knew for sure you would fail in the end, would you give up the journey?

I woke up this morning to my oldest daughter (3) crying in her room with nightmares.  My wife (pregnant with #3) hasn't gotten a full night's sleep in 3 years.  No exaggeration.  I crawled into bed with her to calm her down.

At 6am I kissed her and told her I had to get ready for work.  It had snowed and additional 4 inches overnight, and was -4 as I swept snow from the car windows and started the engine.

By 7am this fine Sunday morning I was dressed head-to-toe in snow boots, heavy-duty coveralls, gloves, thinsulate mask, safety vest and a radio as I trudged through 3ft snow drifts to begin my day in the railroad yard.

In the few breaks I took to do jumping jacks (to get blood flowing back to my frozen fingers and toes) I thought about what I was doing to myself to "possibly" become a doctor.  I say possibly, because nothing is guaranteed.

Between full-time work and school I hardly see my wife (who really should be complaining much more than she does) and kids, I have to decide which bills I can pay each month and which ones get to call my wife endlessly for payments while I'm away, and I wonder "What the HELL are you doing?!?"

All for a chance... just a CHANCE that I could fulfill a dream.  A chance to really provide the life that my family deserves, a chance to really make a dent in the universe by helping others, and a chance to be an example to my kids that hard work and sacrifice are virtuous.

I could lead a decent life without MD at the end of my name. It would be much less stressful to quit school, get out of the railroad yard and work on the long-haul trains (in the comfort of the locomotive cab), and be the cool dad at career day who gets to drive trains all day.

But, I'm not ordinary.  I want to make a difference in the world - to be a pioneer, not a settler.  I want to cure cancer.  (That's not a typo, I really think I can.)

However, that dream is at the end of a very long and unforgiving road.  It doesn't care that I'm human, if I struggle or if I fail.  It only demands perseverance and bit of insanity.

If I knew now that I would fail... I would choose to fail in spectacular form, and know that I gave it my best shot.

Don't quit.